The Hobbit 2: Desolation of a coherent story

I guess the real title is Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug but oh my.

99% of these posts will be about books however after watching Hobbit 2 today I needed to vent. My wife hates these types of movies so I take to the intertubes.

When the film ended the very first sentence to go through my mind was, “Is that really the end?”

The sentence after was, “Wow that’s a money grab.”

The movie was lacking a coherent story. At the end of the three hour visual fantasy for the eyes–cinematography is of course amazing–I forgot what the overall story arc is. What the hell was the story about? Getting dwarves back their kingdom or something like that or is it about Bilbo finding out he didn’t like the ring then wearing the ring all the time with zero side-effects even though he had side-effects when wearing it at the beginning?

The Hobbit 2 is many story pieces put into a blender, blended until smooth and then poured on a platter in what Jackson hoped is an edible delight. It is not.

If not for the first trilogy you would not care about Legolas’s role, which makes sense only if you expect him to follow a bunch of orcs for a reason he doesn’t believe in. The role of Legolas was pointless. Aside from putting in a fan favorites character to make more money, why is Legolas in the movie?

For that matter the role of the movie’s namesake, Smaug, is pointless. Smaug looked incredible, very close to the Reign of Fire dragons, however he played no pivotal role. One could argue there was no real reason for him to be in the movie. Why is he in the movie and why can’t he kill a couple dwarfs? The world is afraid of the dragon and yet he can’t kill even a dwarf who is overweight and about 400 years old. How did Smaug kill an entire army and kingdom and yet he can’t even injure (setting a cloak on fire is not injuring) one tiny dwarf?

While we’re on dwarfs, I don’t recall their armor looking so fancy in the first one. Where did it come from? Are we supposed to believe the lake town kept regal dwarf armor from the last King that died an unspecified time before the movies began?

Who is Bard? Why do we care he got arrested? Why are his kids caring for a dwarf? Bard made it clear he hates the dwarves. Why is Bard even in the movie? He is an inconsequential character who takes up screen time for seemingly no reason? Why can he shoot arrows like an elf?

Who is Legolas’s father and why is he a big shot in this movie and not mentioned in the first trilogy?

I have never bothered reading any other Tolkien work besides The Hobbit and LoTR. I think they are the worst pieces of fantasy I have ever read. Hell I still have about 100 pages left of LoTR (I tried reading it in high school). So possibly I am missing a lot because of that and Peter Jackson assumed I would have read all of Tolkien’s poor writing simply because I enjoyed watching the LoTR Trilogy.

The movie is a great feast for the eyes. Peter Jackson is arguably the best cinematographer in the business right now. However even with how beautiful the move is; it is a movie that would make you upset if you saw it in theaters.

It’s not a good movie. I give 2 stars only for how beautiful the visuals are.